Stupid Questions.

I’m not going to pretend I never say stupid things. Everyone has brain farts. It’s a natural part of being human. We speak before we think and the results are usually pretty amusing.

It’s really annoying however when you come through a drive through and ask a really stupid question that could easily be answered by using your brain for 12 seconds. Like this morning, I had a guy come through and ask what the difference between a buttered biscuit and a chicken biscuit was.

I wonder if he honestly didn’t realize how stupid he sounded. Sometimes I feel bad for judging, but honestly I can’t picture what’s going through some people’s heads.

This one has absolutely nothing to do with my job, but I saw it on a website I frequent:

“

(My father is a dentist, and he is known among his dentist friends for having insane patients. This one really takes the cake, though.)

Dental Office: “Good morning, this is Dr. [name]‘s office. How may I help
you?”

Patient: “Yes, it’s [name]. I’d like to cancel my appointment for today.”

Dental Office: “I’m sorry to hear that. May I ask why you’re canceling?”

Patient: “I have this awful toothache!”

….SERIOUSLY?

I just. I can’t. I can’t even understand.

My favorite however is: “Um, is this FRESH?”

No. We left your sandwich sitting out on the counter for 20 minutes before you got here, because we thought you’d like it better lukewarm. Idiot. Of course it’s fresh. It’s a very very rare occasion that we have someone in the kitchen who is stupid enough to serve cold fries or chicken that is past the holding time. And I mean VERY rare.

So hm anyway. This is a short post because I was just very irritated about stupid biscuit guy. He wasn’t even the cute kind of stupid where you’re like “aww, how precious. you’re adorable.” no, he was rude and crotchety! After I gave him his biscuits he was like “UH, EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME MISS. HEY. EXCUSE ME. THESE IS CHICKEN RIGHT?” (i’m not kidding. he said “these is.”)

Me: ………. yes.
Him: YOU SURE!?
Me:……………..yes.
Him: *glare* *drives away*

*sigh* 6:15 am is too early to be an idiot.

A Brief Thank You Note

I’m really good at complaining. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really care if other people get annoyed with my complaining. No one’s forcing you to listen or be my friend or whatever. However, I feel the need to pause in the middle of this “F U MEAN CUSTOMERS” blog to thank the customers who are actually considerate and share some NICE customer stories, for once.

As much as I usually hate to admit it, without customers, I wouldn’t have a job. Dealing with customers can actually be really  pleasant when the customer is someone who understands that I am not their slave or servant. A smile, a “Hey, how are you doing?”, or a small compliment at the end of your transaction can go a long way.

For instance, I love customers who take notice of our extra efforts to make their experience more pleasant. When women come out of the bathroom with stunned expressions and say ‘Wow, I can’t believe you guys have pads and tampons and lotion and mouthwash in there!”, it makes me feel good that our restaurant has surpassed their expectations and done something to help them out. When you notice things like this, tell us! We like to know that people appreciate us.

It also cracks me up when people say things like “Wow, you’re so upbeat and happy!” I’m glad I surprised you and I wasn’t that surly faced, miserable kid you usually get at other fast food restaurants. It’s especially hilarious in the early morning, when I’m bright and cheerful and the customer can barely grunt out their order. I’m so used to working at 4 and 5:30 AM that I’m super energetic by 6.

The thing is,when you’re super nice to me, I’ll go out of my way to make sure you continue to have a pleasant experience. For instance, one night we were really dead and this guy came in and ordered a special sandwich. We talked while they prepared his sandwich, and he was super friendly. He got his order, only to come back a few minutes later and say “I’m so sorry to bother you, but this wasn’t supposed to have pickles.”His friendliness made such an impression on me that I threw in a free fry. Had he been a jerk about it, I probably would have just gotten him his sandwich and apologized, hoping he would exit the store as quickly as possible.

Judge me all you want, but I have no sympathy for people that are rude to fast food workers and waiters. It’s SO easy to be nice, even if you’re faking it. I always thought spitting in people’s food was drastic, but I’ve had customers that seriously made me consider sneakily violating their food in some way. I have to be nice every single day. It doesn’t matter if I just found out my dog died, I have to slap on a smile and make sure your experience is the best it can be. If I can do it, you can too.

And those of you who do, I love you. I really do. Nice customers are rare. Most customers are apathetic and stand-offish; most of the rest of customers are rude. It is a small minority who are genuinely nice. So to those of you who compliment, thank, smile, apologize, and make an effort to establish a temporary relationship with your fast food server/waiter…thank you!!!

How to Have a Smooth Catering Experience

Sometimes I truly think that customers think we are Food Gods and Goddesses. We literally construct food out of nothing but air molecules and magically whip it up into beautiful catering trays that can be teleported directly to your location. Yes. That is EXACTLY HOW IT WORKS.

I like to make lists, if you haven’t noticed yet. Here’s another list on how to not be the worst catering customer ever.

1. Here is a mini-list of all the information we are going to ask you for. Make copies. Post it on the bulletin board at work. Hand it out to your friends. MEMORIZE IT.

Your name. Delivery or Carry out? If delivery, address. What time do you need it? What day do you need it? Do you need any condiments with it? Do you have any special requests? Are you paying in store? If not, we’ll need your credit card number. And, of course, the entirety of your order.

2. Please do not call at 12:30 pm on a Tuesday and ask for 2 large nugget trays for 1:00. It’s not going to happen. We have to cook those nuggets, put them in the trays, get all the catering supplies together, and still handle the afternoon lunch rush. You MUST give us ample time to arrange your order. We prefer one day’s notice, but even if it’s just 2 hours, that’s better than last minute. The less time you give us, the greater the odds that your order will be messed up.

3. Please do not call at 12:30 pm on a Tuesday and interrogate us about every single catering item we have. I’m trying to work here and you’ve got me tied up on the phone for 45 minutes asking about every single tray and how many people it serves and oh how much is that and that and that and that? I assure you all of this information is available online AND in paper format in the store.

4. Accidents happen. Please don’t be rude and uppity if something is off. A simple “I’m sorry, I was supposed to have 40 sandwiches but I only count 38” will do. None of this “UM YOU ASSHOLES SHORTED ME TWO SANDWICHES I DEMAND A REFUND I WILL NEVER USE YOUR COMPANY AGAIN BLARGHGHGHGH” nonsense, please. I will try to make your life as easy as possible if you return the favor.

5. If you have an extremely large event going on, please…PLEASE…do not request catering from a fast food restaurant. Call in the big guns that cater for a living. Yes, it’s more expensive, but it’s also easier. They’re equipped to handle your large order. For us, it is a collaboration of acts from God, Allah, Buddah, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster to get your order together. The worst I ever had was an order for 15 large wrap trays, 5 large brownie trays, 10 gallons of tea, and probably some other crap I can’t remember.

Let me just elaborate. This isn’t just labor we’re talking about. This is food prep having to order more produce. This is our truck coordinator having to order more trays, lids, wrap paper, brownies, and whatever else.This is me having to come in on a day that our store is usually closed to do your order because there literally isn’t enough time in the day between all my other normal work tasks to get it done. I know, you love our food, and that’s great and all, but handling a 1,000 person event is a huge undertaking for us.

And if you insist on catering from a fast food restaurant, don’t be pissed off if it takes a long time or there are a couple things wrong with it. We’re doing the best we can. We’re not professional caterers. If you wanted professionals, you should have gone to professionals.

Dear Parents: CONTROL YOUR CROTCHFRUIT.

Kids drive me crazy. Some kids I like. My best friend’s daughter is absolutely adorable. I have her crayon drawings on my fridge and every time I see her I bring her a gift from the Disney store.

However, YOUR kid….I probably don’t like. It just comes with the territory. Whenever you bring your kid into my restaurant, there’s a pretty good chance I’m not going to enjoy the experience. Other people’s kids are just annoying. Sorry. It’s nothing personal. It’s just years of bad experiences causing me to pre-judge your kid. You’d understand if you worked on my side of the counter.

So, here is my list of things you can do to make everyone’s dining experience considerably easier when your bring your kid along.

1. Look, I get that not everyone is into spanking. It’s a damn shame, honestly, but hey, different things work with different kids. One thing that universally DOES NOT work, however: “Billy, stop. Billy, you really need to stop. Billy, don’t do that. Billy, mommy is serious.” Okay look, obviously talking at your kid isn’t stopping them from flinging mayonnaise packets around the dining room. Could you try actually PARENTING your child and exercising some discipline over them? This is kind of a general point and goes into a general “parenting” conversation, but…honestly people.

2. A fast food restaurant is not a babysitting business cleverly disguised with kids meals and ice cream. There are few things more frustrating than watching your brat running around dining room like a possessed Chihuahua while you sit chatting with your adult friends. Who needs responsibility when you have under-paid, over-worked fast food employees to clean up your kid’s mess? There is a special place in hell for parents like that, I assure you.

3. Don’t get pissed at us if your kid gets hurt on the playground, ESPECIALLY if you’re not in there supervising them. In fact, don’t get pissed at me for ANYTHING your brat does. It’s not my fault. I’m not your babysitter. Please assume some responsibility for your child’s safety.

4. Also, please assume responsibility for your child’s MESS. I understand that I’m the one with the  broom and dust pan, but if your child has flung Barbecue Sauce across the table and poured milk all over the high chair and floor, you could make some feeble attempt at cleaning it up. I would be more than happy to help, and if you’re so polite as to actually try to do some cleaning yourself I’ll probably say “oh don’t worry about it, I’ve got it!” It’s the thought that counts. Yelling “Hey, my kid spilled something!” at me and then standing there while I bend over and mop it all up is rude and projects an attitude of superiority. You’re not my superior.

5. Please do not take our marketing balloons for your kid. Any fast food restaurant that has balloons with the company’s name on them are NOT meant to be taken, especially without asking. They’re part of our promotional packages. We’re accountable for all the marketing supplies we’re sent. Do not take our marketing supplies, balloons included.

6. Teach your brat some manners. I’m so sick of kids coming up to my register and saying crap like “Give me ice cream” or “I want Honey Mustard.” I realize that kids say some stuff you may not have taught them to say, but “please” and “thank you” are pretty elementary.

7. Accompany your child to the bathroom, for the LOVE OF GOD. I cannot even begin to describe the disgusting things I’ve seen in bathrooms. Sad things, too. I once saw a child who looked about 5 standing by herself in the middle of the bathroom looking completely lost. I had to help her go to the bathroom and wash her hands because her mother wasn’t there for whatever pitiful reason.

8. Decide your child’s order before approaching the register. Children are notoriously fickle, and some seem to be even more so when a stranger is staring at them expectantly. Susie will be happy whether you get her lemonade or sprite. Stop trying to force the child to make a decision and just order for her. You’re wasting my time and stressing the kid out. And if they cry over what you ordered them, then hey, no one’s forcing them to eat. I wasn’t rewarded or mollycoddled for acting like a brat when I was a kid, and it disgusts me when parents do that to their kids.

9. Discipline your child for acting out. I have a whoooooooole soapbox on spanking and parents being afraid to actually punish their children, but we wont’ go into that. If your child starts screaming like a banshee, remove it from the restaurant. It disrupts other people’s meals and gives me a headache. If your kid is fighting with other kids on the playground, remove the kid from the situation. Honestly people.

 

Bottom line: Kids are impatient, messy, and unpredictable. You really can’t expect them to sit still for long periods of time and behave themselves. Other diners and employees at the establishment will greatly appreciate it if you take a few steps towards minimizing the damage your toddler tornado can cause.